Lemony Baudelaire
by jonnyboy17
Summary: Lemony Snicket, aka Mr. Baudelaire is trying to find the Baudelaires. Please R&R! Rated PG for some violence.


I sat. I thought of what I was doing. I was putting my children through a life of tragedy at the hands of a stupid organization.

My name is Lemony Snicket. I am a member of V.F.D. I have had to change my name to Herbert Baudelaire when I am around the children. Months ago, the evil villain Count Olaf burnt down my mansion. It killed my wife, but before it burnt, we encouraged our children to leave quickly. We were secretly having a V.F.D. meeting.

I remember several V.F.D. dinner parties that I, and my wife, Beatrice, hosted. We usually allowed our children to be in attendance, as long as they helped clear the table.

I remember a party when Klaus did something wonderful. We were all eating dessert, and I was about to dig into two mouth-watering desserts.

My baby daughter Sunny started screaming. We were all aghast, unsure of what was happening. Klaus suggested that she was teething. We found some way to calm Sunny down.

Another party was when Violet solved Sunny's teething problem as well. Using a piece of the ice sculpture, Sunny's mouth got a bit colder and she stopped crying.

As part of my plan to find the Baudelaires, V.F.D. research estimated that after they were sent on the run from the Village of Fowl Devotees, they headed straight for Heimlich Hospital.

I am disguised as a surgeon here at Heimlich Hospital. When it is safe enough, I will take the Baudelaires with me to V.F.D. headquarters in the Mortmain Mountains.

So, after a case of anesthesiology, I saw my children run past a hallway. I turned and started to run after them, until a fellow V.F.D. agent, in disguise, said, "Wait, Herb," he said. I stopped. "Where are you going?" he asked. "Uh, to get a drink of water," I blurted.

By the time I went out of the room, they were gone.

"Hello, all of Heimlich Hospital," came a sniveled voice over the intercom. Count Olaf. He was bent on swindling my children out of the family fortune and killing them off.

"The Baudelaires have been spotted in the East Wing. Please find them and bring them to me. That is all." No. It can't be. I had to do something.

I ran to the East Wing. There was no one. They may have been captured.

As I slumped around, I noticed a group of the Volunteers Fighting Disease coming along, singing, and holding heart-shaped balloons. Lots of people and places have the initials V.F.D.

Their leader, with a bushy brown beard walked up to me. "Hey there, sir! Would you like a heart-shaped balloon?" I shook my head. The man shrugged, walked back to his group, and carried on with their stupid song.

About a few days later, I realized that Violet was captured, and Klaus and Sunny were somewhere hiding.

A flyer was handed to me by a man with scraggly red hair. It said that a certain operation was scheduled for Laura V. Bleediotie on Friday. Her head would be sawed off by a Bowie knife with a blade with jagged sharp edges.

In V.F.D., we learned about anagrams. And Laura V. Bleediotie is the anagram for Violet Baudelaire!

I had to stop it. But Friday came too soon.

A very fat person who looked like neither a man nor a woman was guarding the operation room. He or she was an associate of Olaf's.

I finally was allowed inside, and I realized the two people on the platform standing before the unconscious body of Violet were Klaus and Sunny.

Klaus wore a white doctor's coat, a white mask, white gloves, his hair was in a black bun, and he held the Bowie knife.

Sunny's coat's arms were rolled down, and she looked just the right size for her clothes. I smiled. They knew more about V.F.D. training than I thought. But did I even teach them?

I knew Klaus and Sunny would never attempt to murder Violet. Klaus started talking a very long time about the operation and the history of the Bowie knife.

I knew he was trying to stall until the anesthesia wore off and Violet woke up.

When he was done talking, the crowd clapped a little, but no one cheered.

Finally, he announced, "I can't do it," and everyone gasped. A fellow surgeon, who also was one of Olaf's associates, leaned in and whispered to him, "What the heck are you doing?!"

"Well," Klaus announced, "we almost forgot something very important. The most important thing Heimlich Hospital does, Dr. Flo." Dr. Flo and Dr. Tocuna are the disguise names for the two powder-faced women. That's who Klaus and Sunny were pretending to be.

"Paperwork!" Sunny cried. A few people in the crowd said some things.

Esme Squalor walked onto the platform with the real powder-faced women. Klaus instantly dropped the Bowie knife and grabbed Sunny. Then they sped away on the cart with Violet.

According to Hal, the hospital was now on fire.

I haven't seen them since. This is why fate brought me to the most random place to see them again.

I was at Hotel Denouement. I was the only one there.

I heard voices, so I quietly exited the room.

I peered around the corner. It was Count Olaf and my children, face to face. He was holding a knife. They were trapped.

"You kids have made my life a living crap-bucket since the day I met you," he growled. "Because of you, my entire theater troupe is dead, Esme Squalor left me, and now you must pay."

"Actually," Klaus said, "it's your own fault. You'd still have your lousy acting troupe and Esme Squalor. None of this would have happened if you had just left us alone from the beginning."

Count Olaf grabbed Klaus by the throat and held him above the carpet. He raised the knife above his head. "No!" Violet and Sunny screamed. "Put him down!"

"You insolent little bookworm," he threatened. "I'll teach you to talk to me like that." Violet and Sunny kept screaming, but the hotel was deserted.

"Leave him alone!" I yelled as I stepped around the corner. Count Olaf immediately dropped him. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny stared at me with tears in their eyes. "Dad!" they cried.

An evil grin spread on Count Olaf's face. "Lemony, we meet again," he said in a sinister voice. "Lemony?! His name is Herbert!" Violet said.

Count Olaf walked over to me. "So, you think you can muscle into all this and live?" he asked. "Well, you're wrong!"

He swung at me. I ducked and he dove into the carpet. Then he ran at me. I grabbed him and got him in a headlock. "Go Dad!" Violet, Klaus, and Sunny cheered.

Then I slammed him onto the ground. Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and I started to walk away.

Suddenly, Count Olaf got up and got me around the neck. The children gasped. Then he threw me across the room and I fell hard on the piano. It smashed and I landed on the floor, unconscious.

Count Olaf then lit a fire and set it to the whole hotel.

The children tried to get me up. "Come on!" they cried.

I finally came to, and we saw Count Olaf try to escape. He was stuck in-between a wall and a table on fire.

Luckily, V.F.D.'s fire department arrived and we were rescued. Unfortunately for Olaf, he was set on fire and killed.

When the smoke cleared out, I explained everything to the children.

"My name is not Herbert Baudelaire," I told them. "It's Lemony Snicket."

"You mean you're not our father?" Klaus gasped. "I am," I said. "But you're not the Baudelaires. You are the Snickets."

It took a very long time to explain how I knew where to find them, and V.F.D.'s research database.

Finally, Violet asked the question they were dying to learn.

"What does V.F.D. stand for?"

"Yeah!" Klaus said. "Tell us!" Sunny said who could now speak English well.

"V.F.D. is Volunteer Frenzy Disguises," I told them.

"You see, when life puts us through a series of unfortunate events, not everything is unfortunate all the time."

"What do you mean?" Sunny asked.

"Well, you three have had very bad luck since our home burnt down. Your mother was killed. You were pursued by Count Olaf ever since. But think of what's fortunate. You survived all that's happened. You were able to use your skills to solve your biggest problems. I, your father, no matter what my name is, survived. You've been reunited with your friends."

"Our friends? You mean the Quagmires?" Violet asked.

I nodded and Duncan, Isadora, and Quigley emerged from the crowd. They instantly hugged and all was happy. Count Olaf was no longer a problem. We could always use our money to buy a new home.

"Wait a minute," Klaus said. "Everyone still thinks we're criminals."

"Not anymore," Duncan said, pulling a collection of papers tied together out of his pocket.

"The Snicket file!" Sunny exclaimed.

"But how did you three get the Snicket file?" Violet asked.

"Well," said Isadora, "your father, Lemony _Snicket_, retrieved it from Count Olaf. He, Kit, and Jacques made the file."

"Your father loves you so much, he would never let you be framed as criminals without getting your names cleared," Quigley said.

So our names were cleared, we all lived happily ever after, Kit and I were reunited, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were reunited with Duncan, Isadora, and Quigley, and we never had to worry about being put through a series of unfortunate events like that again.

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So, what did you think? It took me all morning to make that story. I know it's very long, but I hope you enjoyed it. Please Read and Review! This is only my first story.


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